Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
