i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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