just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
