If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
