I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
