i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
