Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
