o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
