I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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