It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
