Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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