Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
