My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
