My first STD was from a foam party
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
