I want to walk on stilts...naked
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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