Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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