my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
