ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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