if only i could text you this smell
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
