wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
