I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
