Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
