He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
