a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
