I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
