"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
