Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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