I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
