I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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