I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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