Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
