I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
