My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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