This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
