So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
