life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
