I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
