I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
