Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
