Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
