I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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