Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
