did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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