my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
