im having a threesome with these popsicles
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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