I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
