Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
