An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
