just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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