He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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