its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
