i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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